it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
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Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager