Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
You Might Also Like
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.