Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
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I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…