Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Breaking news:
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.