I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
yes… yes…
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Probably my best painting.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.