Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
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If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”