We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
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The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?