[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
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Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me