Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
This squirrel eats better than I do
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air