Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
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“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car