A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
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Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Hank is one in a melon.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.