LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
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Expect the unexporcupine.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit