you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
so i’m at the stock market right
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.