Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
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Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?