“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
New favorite tiktok
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
This January has 47 Mondays
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
They also CAN sing✌️
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
The Book. The Movie.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes