Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
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me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler