I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Beauty and the Beast
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”