I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.