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can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
oh u like geography? name every lake
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
The honesty is refreshing
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed