Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
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I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights