I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
next level snooze
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Good Morning.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.