“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
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[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
mumsnet is amazing
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
#dalle2
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.