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I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“Huge”.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?