“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
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Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel