Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
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Try and stop me.
#DesignFail
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
My life coach traded me.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.