Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
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[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Sing it!
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
this is 10/10 content no notes
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.