My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
You Might Also Like
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy