If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
ready to be harvested
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.