Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
How it started How it’s going
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.