[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
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Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue