cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.