Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
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