my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
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Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.