So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen