[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
You Might Also Like
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they鈥檙e great
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
These are too funny not to post 馃槀
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I鈥檇 remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I鈥檓 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.