My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”