Got him!
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[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that