I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
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Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Twitter remains undefeated
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.