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wishing you and yours all the best
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.