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If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
#SaturdayBears
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Animal poetry
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s