If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
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Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Good boy 😂😂
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
(True)
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Why do meteors always land in craters?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
What
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*