Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
You Might Also Like
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
This is why I hate group projects
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.