Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.