Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
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She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.