“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I only eat vegetarians.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.