He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT