Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
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Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails