My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
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When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.