Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
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Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.