Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
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the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.